Reflections on a Broken Heart
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: I wonder how it can all start with a simple sheet of paper, and at the same time, I wonder if this is some kind of test, because it definitely feels like one.
1. Can't Feel My Heart

**A/N: All right, people. You know the drill. SVU is not mine. But my muse decided it'd be a good idea to follow Elliot from season six ep 'Charisma' to season eight finale 'Screwed' in terms of his relationship (not with Olivia, either, people.) So...we'll see how this works out. **

* * *

…Can't feel my heart.

And it's strange, because I can, and it hurts like hell,

Because of a sheet of paper.

A damn sheet of paper, of all things, and I'm back to wishing that there was

Such a thing as going back in time, because

I don't know what I've done wrong,

And I'd like to fix it.

* * *

Don't know why all the lights are off, but 

Maybe it's because I don't want to move,

Or is it because I can't move…wait a minute…I can.

It's definitely that I don't want to.

My feet don't want to cooperate with me,

And neither does anything else, and it's a pain, because

I need to do something, but I don't know what.

* * *

The lights should go on, 'cause this place is almost starting 

To creep me out a little, because of what we just saw, and I'd

Go back to work if I could, but apparently, I'm on leave, because I

Don't know how to handle my emotions…yeah, right.

If I didn't know how to handle them, I'd have flipped out a long time ago.

Two years is the max anyone ever stays in Special Victims, someone told me, but

I've been around longer than that, and I'm starting to wonder if that's the problem.

* * *

The paper stays where it is. 

Don't want to look at it, don't want to acknowledge that it's there, 'cause all it means is that

Things have finally hit the fan, and I've finally screwed up, and she's finally tired of me,

And this damn house is too quiet with the kids, but they've gone with their mother, because

She's the one that's home all the time, anyway, and suddenly I'm reminded of something

I said earlier, that she's the parent and I'm the paycheck, and it's driving me up the wall,

Because I wanted to be there, I really did, but…something was always in the way.

* * *

Always in the way. 

I look down at the paper again, because for some reason,

It's the only thing that feels real in this moment,

Which is stupid, because it's not, but I still can't move

And I still can't feel anything, and I wish I could,

But at the same time, I don't, because it feels like there's a gaping hole where my heart was

And at the same time, it doesn't, and I wonder what that's supposed to mean.


	2. But Nobody's Home

Why does it always seem like no matter what we do,

It's never good enough?

And why does it seem like when I least want anyone in my face,

Someone's always there?

Being called into the captain's office isn't exactly what I'd call new,

But this is ridiculous, and I'm starting to wonder what the hell defense attorneys are paid for

'Cause right now, they sure as hell don't seem worth their paycheck.

* * *

I'd love to know when those lackeys of theirs

Turned into detectives, digging up information on anything, and anyone

And sure, my department stuff might be public, but my home life,

That's off limits and always has been, as far as I'm concerned, and…

Suddenly it's not, and I hate that vulnerable feeling…

Knowing that someone else knows about my family, about me, without

Any one of us saying that it's all right, because it's not.

* * *

And of course it all comes out in front of her.

In front of my partner, and I feel almost like an idiot, but of course,

I'm too damn stubborn to admit it, like I was that day three years ago when she told me

That I was gonna screw it all over if I kept bottling it all in,

And I did, and now this has happened, and she comes after me,

Like I knew she would, and asks what's going on, and so I tell her,

"Kathy left me."

* * *

The words hurt worse than the paper did, and I wonder why this is,

Because it doesn't really make sense that it would, but it does,

And now I'm left to pick up the pieces of what's left,

Not that I can find anything, because I don't want to look…

Actually, I do, but I don't, because

I'm not altogether too sure that there's anything left to find,

And that's what scares the hell out of me.

* * *

So when I'm given a warning because of those

Ridiculous accusations, it almost makes me laugh, because

Whatever that girl said I did, I didn't, and suddenly, it's going to trial, and

It's like the jury can't decide who to believe, either, and I leave before the verdict is read

Because suddenly I'm tired of it all, and I want to go home, so I do.

And all the lights are off, and it's still a bit early, so a startled feeling settles over me.

And when I turn the key in the lock, it hits me that nobody's there.


	3. Upside Down and Inside Out

It used to be that shrinks pissed me off, because it always seemed like

They were trying to tell me about me, like I don't know myself and the way I am,

But this one seems different, and maybe it's because she was friends with Liv,

Or maybe it's just because she used to be a cop, so she knows what it's like.

I don't know.

But she seems different, and Huang isn't here, and Liv's the one who called her in the first place,

So it looks like we're stuck with her.

* * *

It bothers me sometimes, to see people with mental illnesses.

Not because I don't like them, because I don't have an issue…

No, it's just the fact that it seems like they're missing out on so much because of what ails them,

And it annoys the hell out of me that people are so convinced that they make easy targets,

Because the system doesn't want to pay attention to the delusions of someone who's

Not in their right mind, or so they say,

But what the hell is the system there for, anyway, if it's not going to help?

* * *

My partner and I have a habit of going on gut instinct sometimes,

But now's not one of them, and Liv's getting sarcastic because I'm not siding with her

Over this shrink friend of hers, which is funny, because

Most of the time, she and I, we agree on stuff, but

Not this time, and I'd call her jealous if I knew she wasn't gonna do anything about it,

But knowing Liv, she probably will, and knowing her,

It'll be when I least expect it.

* * *

We always end up making up anyway. She puts up with me, I put up with her,

Neverending cycle, someone put it once, and we ignored it, 'cause

Rumors have been going around for years, and it's kind of a joke, because

The whole damn precinct knows I'm married…

Huh. Married. Wonder how much longer that's gonna last, 'cause it doesn't really seem

Like it's going to last forever, and I wonder how naïve I was when I thought,

Standing across from her, that it would.

* * *

I'd ask Liv, but she's still kind of irritated with me, and I think

This case is starting to get to everyone, because it doesn't feel like we're getting anywhere, and

I'd love for things to be back to normal,

Not that they were normal around here, anyway, but still…

Before, it seemed like everything would be all right, because, hey,

I still had someone to go home to, but now I don't, and it's all upside down and inside out.

…Wonder what this shrink would have to say.


	4. Left Behind

I take too many things for granted.

And the thought makes me laugh, because I should've figured that out a while ago

But I didn't, and now, I'm trying to save a colleague's name, because

The city thinks he shot two kids out of cold blood, but I know Fin, and so does the unit,

And there's no way in hell we're going to believe that, so we investigate, because that's

Just what we do, and if the city doesn't like it, then they can deal with it, because

We've got a fallen comrade out there, and like hell am I gonna sit and do nothing.

* * *

The others agree with me.

But Fin's going to make it, and I just know a collective sigh of relief is going around

Every squad, every precinct, every borough…every floor of headquarters.

Liv says that Fin's son came by to see him, which is a good thing, 'cause

For a while, we didn't think there was anyone to call, and I wonder what would happen

If something like this happened to me, and they called, 'cause I know they would; they have to.

But I still wonder if anyone would come.

* * *

…Can't stand the thought of going home now.

It's funny, 'cause before, I never seemed to have a problem.

It was where I wanted to be, but now, I'd rather be in the squad room, because

There are people there, and at home, there's nothing, where there used to be something.

Paperwork suddenly seems a lot more interesting than it should,

And it makes me want to laugh, 'cause usually I hate the stuff,

But there's nothing better to do, and at least here, I don't have to hear myself think.

* * *

Not sure it's what I need right now, to be able to

Hear myself think, 'cause my thoughts aren't ones I thought I'd ever be having,

And yet I'm having them, because of this, and I don't blame Fin one bit, because

He was just doing his job, same way any of us might have, but it's

Things like this that always make us think, and all it does is show us that

We're not invincible, like we'd like to think we are.

There's always something out there that can bring us down…

* * *

Something like this. Something that seems so simple, but really isn't,

Because of all those little things. I didn't do this, she didn't do that,

The kids are acting out in school and suddenly it's all my fault, 'cause

I'm never around, so what am I going to do about it, and suddenly,

It turns into something like this, something unexpected.

It's not really supposed to be amusing, but it kind of is, because

In the academy…they never tell us how to prepare to get left behind.


	5. Couldn't Ask for More

Why does it always seem like life gets so off balance because of one little thing,

And why does it feel like I want to fall, but I can't ever see the ground?

I look towards my partner to save me from myself when I'm on the streets with her,

But at home, there's no one there to break my fall, and so it feels like I'm

This close to shattering, but something's holding me together

And it's starting to drive me up the wall, because before,

There was always something to pull me back when it got too hard to handle.

* * *

And now there's nothing, and I'm standing there in a basement, losing my temper

With someone who doesn't even deserve it and wondering exactly

What the hell is wrong with me, because it doesn't feel like anything's off, but I know that

Something's not right, because ordinarily, I'd have never thought of hitting someone who has

Nothing to do with anything, but it feels like she does, and I've got the feeling that

It's only because my issues are getting in the way, _again, _and damn it…

It wasn't supposed to work that way.

* * *

But it is, and so I stand outside, and Liv's there, because she followed me, like she always does,

To make sure I don't do anything stupid, though heaven only knows that I've been

Doing a lot of that, lately, because I can't seem to think, can't seem to find my ground,

And it's ridiculous, because before, it always seemed to be where I could reach it.

"Twenty years," I say, and Liv listens. "Twenty years…how could she just walk away?"  
It hits me then that my issue with this case has nothing to do with the case at all,

But with myself, because once again, I fail to see what it is that went wrong.

* * *

Fin comes out and breaks the awkward silence…sometimes I wonder what this squad would be

Without him or Munch, 'cause somehow they always seem to know what to say,

Just to make that stupid awkwardness go away, and it used to be that the four of us…

Who am I kidding? Those times are long gone by. Fin makes some crack about

What the lot of us did for lunch earlier on, and I'm hit by the desire to laugh, because it's just

One of those weird things that I never expect, at least not from him,

But it makes me feel better, and I have no idea why.

* * *

Liv was up to something earlier, and she doesn't think I know, but I do, because I know her,

And I know when she's not saying anything, so when she gets that look when I tell her

That I'm going home, I know she's done something. And then I walk out into the squad room,

And…four familiar faces are waiting, and the lights are off, somewhat, and there are candles…

I didn't expect them. Didn't even know that Liv knew where to find them, but they're there,

All four of them, and my partner knows me too damn well, and I'm almost surprised

That she remembered, but she did, and I couldn't have asked for more.


	6. A World of Their Own

…And parents wonder why it is that kids have an issue

Figuring out who they are, and what they want to become.

For the love of heaven…some people make me wonder, which is

Almost stupid, given my job. I'm supposed to wonder, but…

About stuff like this? There aren't enough hours in the day, and

Cops aren't paid all that much either, so seeing stuff like this…

It makes me want to reconsider.

* * *

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world, but…

Life is such that some people think they can get away with anything, and it's almost like

They don't realize what they're doing when they do it, because all they're thinking about

Is themselves, like there's no one else in the world, and it drives me up the wall.

The unit's all volunteer for a reason, and I have my reasons. If anyone asked,

I could explain. But for this to be explained, well…I think you've lost me,

And it's not because I'm some dumb cop, either. I know more than you might think.

* * *

Suppose the one thing I could say about work nowadays is that it takes the emptiness away…

Yeah, right.

It dulls it, but only until I go home again. The older two are perfectly capable of disappearing,

Whenever they want, given their mother hasn't confiscated the keys, but the twins…

They've got a world of their own, and it's funny, because it's how I know

Exactly what these other two are doing, because the secret language thing isn't new.

And I figured my own two out a long time ago.

* * *

They don't think I have, though, and so when they don't want me to hear,

They'll lapse into it, but most of the time, I can figure out what they're saying,

And it makes them laugh, because they're at that age now where they think

I'm clueless, and their friends' parents are awesome, and I remember being at that same age.

The only difference between mine and these other two is that there weren't any…

Changes, so to speak. Other than them growing up, that is.

And sometimes I wonder if they've even done that, but maybe that's just me.

* * *

Haven't seen them in a while, and it bothers me, because it used to be that

They were the first ones at the door, before they decided I was only out to

Ruin their lives, 'cause I'm a cop and I see too much, according to them, and

Sometimes they want to know, but other times they don't, and most of the time,

I don't want to tell them.

But they watch the news sometimes, and a lot of the stuff I do is on there…this'll be one of 'em.

So they know, but they don't know. I wonder if that's really what I'm afraid of.


	7. Moments of Normalcy

I love how one minute, everything's fine and the next, it all gets shot to hell.

Not really.

But I'm standing in the ME's office with Liv one minute, and the next,

I'm leaving, because my son's in the hospital, and no one thought to tell me

Till the last minute, which kind of annoys me, but what pisses me off is that

I didn't even know something was wrong until then.

What kind of parent does that make me?

* * *

I shouldn't be asking myself that. All it does is make me think,

And I don't want to do that.

I do, but I don't, and it amazes me sometimes, how one phone call can just

Throw me off like that, like I've been hit by something,

Even though I haven't been.

I'd have said something earlier, about not having been told, but I'm

Not looking for a fight, and that's a surefire way to start them.

* * *

So I take leave, and stay home, and ignore Maureen when she drops by,

Just to poke at her little brother, because that's what they do, the four of them,

And she makes a comment about how I've finally made time for them, and…

I'd love to correct her on that one, to say that I always have time,

But the truth is that lately, I haven't, because I'm too damn busy trying to

Keep myself from losing it that maybe I'm already losing it, and I don't even know, because

Once again, I'm not paying attention. Or am I?

* * *

Chocolate-chip cookie-dough ice cream.

That's all he wants, and damned if I'm not the one to hand it over, just because

After this, I probably won't see him or his sisters for a while, so we sit there and we watch

That ridiculous show on MTV, because it makes him laugh, and I could've sworn his mother

Told him not to watch it, but he's doing it anyway, because right now,

He can get away with it, and he knows it, and so do I, so neither of us say anything.

Used to be that way a lot, between him and I.

* * *

But not anymore.

Work, school, the fact that they're on the opposite side of Queens from where I am…

It's a pain in the ass, not that I'll ever admit it to anyone but myself.

She's not keeping the kids away from me on purpose, and I know she wouldn't.

But it feels like she is, and so these fleeting moments are like some kind of heaven.

Another episode comes on, and the girls come in, and when she comes back,

She finds us sitting there, and she thinks I'm asleep, like they are, but I'm not.


	8. Video Games and Conversations

Who comes up with these video games, anyway?

And why in the world do they always seem to be so violent?  
Granted, I've never played them myself, but come on…

There's gotta be something else out there.

Something that isn't gonna drive a kid to what this lot did, but then again,

It's not like we can force the good side of the world down a kid's throat.

They've got to figure it out for themselves…but sometimes, they don't.

* * *

She left him in the squad room, 'cause he was supposed to spend the weekend with me,

Away from the other three, because he's getting tired of them, and

When I came into the squad room, he was looking at the photos on the board, so I

Told him not to, 'cause no kid needs that in their head, and he goes and tells me  
That he's seen it before, so I ask where, and he says something like,

One of those video games, and I'm wondering

If she actually lets him play them or if he does it behind her back.

* * *

Captain wants to know how the game works, though, and so we go,

Into the office, and sure enough, Dickie knows exactly what he's doing, and

It's almost frightening…not that I'm going to say anything, because

He doesn't need to know what I'm thinking about all this.

But the case goes on, and the next thing I know, we've got our doers, and

Casey's taking them to trial, and soon it'll be over, but before that…

I don't know. But it's kind of sad how a game can influence someone like that.

* * *

Then again, how would I know?

I've never played, and I'm not likely to either, now that I've seen what it can do,

Not that I'd have played, anyway, other than those ridiculous older games that

Never really fail to make me laugh, because I'm awful at them, and my kids know it.

It's why they always want to take me on when they play, which they rarely do,

Because apparently, there are better games out there, and this latest one, well…

It's one of them, as sad as it is.

* * *

The house doesn't seem so empty with him there.

But the dishes have been getting on my nerves, and so I take care of them, while he plays, and

When I'm finished, I ask if he has to play and why, and he says, because it's cool.

Apparently, things can still be described that way.

So when I suggest we do something else instead of just sitting there,

He looks at me for a second like I'm on something, and then decides, he wants to talk to me.

And I freeze, and it scares me, because that's not the reaction I was supposed to have.


	9. None of My Business

I don't want to know.

Well, I do, but I don't, and I recognize that name, and if I didn't, well,

I wouldn't have to worry, but I did, and I do, and it bothers me,

And I'll bet she's going to have a fit when I ask her about this, but

I doubt she'd tell her mother, and she's less likely to tell me, but then,

Like she's said before, I'm "such a cop", but I'm also her parent,

And I don't want to know, but I do.

* * *

And I don't say anything to Liv, either. I just go.

But I know that she knows that something's off, because she went and gave me

That look, while I was leaving, the one that tells me that she knows

Exactly what I'm doing, even if she really doesn't.

And she doesn't. Not this time, and I probably won't tell her, because

It's one of those things that she doesn't need to be in on,

And she probably knows that, too.

* * *

I've been to this high school way more times than I care to count,

Mostly because I went there myself, partly because my older two have gone through

And are currently going through, and apparently,

Boys and makeup and popularity are as much of an issue for the two of them now,

As they were in middle school, but at least then, it was just a crush and no one really

Acted on anything, either because they were too afraid, or too shy

Or just careful, like they should be.

* * *

Her friends are the first to see me, and they point me out, because

She's used to seeing cops, and usually ignores them unless they're

Specifically talking to her, which is almost funny, in a weird sort of way,

But she knows better than to ignore me, so she doesn't, and I ask her about this kid, and

About what she might've done with him, and predictably, she tells me that it's

"None of my business", though not exactly in those words.

And I know she knows I'm worried about something when I push the issue, anyway.

* * *

So she answers, more to get me off her back than anything else,

Which is a relief this time, but other times, I'd just get annoyed, but now, I'm not

Because this answer means that my little girl is safe, for now.

He broke up with her, because she wouldn't.

I wonder what this is supposed to tell me, and decide that I really don't want to know, because

If that's all he was looking for, anyway, he doesn't deserve her.

And I hope she knows that, even if I don't say anything.


	10. Handling It

I used to get annoyed with her sometimes, because she was that stubborn sort,

The ones who never really know when to let go or when to cooperate, but

She was also one of those who always was looking for justice, no matter what,

And as if my world isn't upside down already, now this case has to lead

To a place the unit swore up and down we'd never go again, and

Liv and I are arresting people even though we shouldn't, because to not do it would

Blow the cover she had, and Casey's going to have our heads for it, I know it.

* * *

Sure enough, she does.

But this is only after the Feds drop by the office to ask exactly what Liv and I

Think we're doing, because hey, this is their show and they don't exactly appreciate

Two lowly detectives (according to them) coming by and ruining everything.

So then Cragen knows what Liv and I have known for the past year, and then

The next thing we know, she's back, to face the ones who took her down.

But they never took her down as it was.

* * *

And she's still as stubborn as ever.

None of us are surprised.

She came back because without her, we couldn't do this, and she knows it,

And now we've got two prosecutors sitting around, and I didn't know Casey knew her,

Apparently neither did anyone else, but they get along, which is good, because

The last thing we need is for them to get into some kind of argument,

Over who's the better lawyer, because they're both decent.

* * *

They think they rule the city, and that's their problem.

If they'd learn that they don't, they'd be better off, but apparently,

Anyone who dares annoy them risks having to disappear,

Temporarily, or permanently, and I know that I thought my life was upside down, but…

Hers seems to be a lot more so than mine, and

She's been dealing with it for a lot longer.

Makes me wonder if I'll be able to handle this life of mine after all.

* * *

And when it's over and we've got our convictions, we wait,

In Casey's office, for her to come, and the shadows in the windows

Make us think it's her, but it's not.

It's the Feds, and she's gone again,

To wherever it is that they've decided to send her, because

The threat's not gone until the leader's taken out, and we know it.

But we still miss her all the same.


	11. I'm Not Him

I'm not him.

There's no way in hell I'm him, because there's no way in hell I'd do

Any of what he's done.

I might have a short fuse, but I'm not that sort of person.

…Maybe if I keep repeating this to myself, it'll be true.

And maybe if I keep telling myself that I'm the one in control of my emotions,

That'll be true, too.

* * *

Or am I just fooling myself?  
Damn Rickett, and damn his mind games. I should know better than to fall for them.

Fourteen years ago, I did.

But then, there was someone home when I went back across the bridge at night.

Now there's no one.

And so I sit there in the crib after telling Liv that I'm going home, which was a lie,  
Because the lockers are dented in and my hands are bleeding, and it hurts like hell.

* * *

And I'm wondering if maybe Rickett was right, and I am like him, because

It kind of seems like I am, minus the part of him that wants to hurt kids, 'cause

I've got four of my own, and like hell would I ever do to them what he's done,

To his own victims.

For that matter, like hell would I do it to any child.

They're the innocent ones, damn it.

It isn't supposed to happen to them…to anyone.

* * *

Why is it that I always seem to need what isn't there?

My family…my partner…

I'd call her, but she needs a break and she doesn't need to be dealing with me.

And there's no one else in the squad room, and it's late.

I'd call Kathy, but she's not going to want to hear it.

And in any case, I don't want her to, because I've already got it in my own damn head.

Doesn't need to be in anyone else's. Least of all hers.

* * *

It'd be easier if she hadn't up and left, I think, because then,

I could just go home and take a shower, and go to bed,

Which I can do anyway, but I hate sleeping alone at home.

It's fine when I'm at the precinct, because it's not like I have a choice, but…

Home's the one place where it bothers me, and I want to go there,

But these thoughts won't go away. And when I look at my hands, that first thought comes again.

I'm not him.


	12. Lost Innocence

Those cases that make you think…

They do a real good job of it, because some of the ones I've seen, well…

It's not every day that you see some of the stuff you see in this unit, and

It takes my mind off the fact that I'm falling apart on the inside

And losing it on the outside, and so it might be all right,

But it still drives me up the wall, and I'd love to know exactly

What the hell possesses these people to do the things they do.

* * *

Like this guy, this Ballantine or whatever his name was, 'cause

I really can't be bothered to remember, now that the case is closed.

Never really cared in the first place. Just knew that something was wrong, and

I was right, there was.

But we figured it out too late, which bothers me, because this girl he murdered…

She was going somewhere.

And if I looked hard enough…she looked like she could've been one of mine.

* * *

That's the problem, sometimes, with cases like these, because

They're the ones that I can never really seem to let go of, and it's all because

I've got kids at home,

Or rather, I did, before their mother took them with her, but they still come around.

I wonder if they feel obligated to, and don't think about it during the case, because

All it'll do is distract me, and I'd rather not deal with that.

This case was strange enough as it is.

* * *

First times…

I don't even know why the hell I'm thinking about it, because

It happened a long time ago for me, but I don't regret it, and it

Almost makes me wonder if the girls he victimized do, and

I feel like an idiot for even thinking about that, because they probably do.

No one deserves to have that taken away from them.

Not that way.

* * *

And yet there are people out there who think they have the right to just

Go ahead and do that.

Guess that's what I'm here for, to stop them.

Because it's what I do, really, me and Liv, and the other two, because…

We all had our reasons for coming here, and

If we can save one kid's innocence, then it's worth it, but

Every time it's lost, it feels like a part of us is lost, too.


	13. A Moment Between Partners

I wonder what my partner knows sometimes, even though I shouldn't.

She knows a lot more than she lets on, because that's kind of what the job is.  
We know, but we don't know. We see, but we don't see. We feel, but we don't feel.

I know the last one is what my problem is, but sometimes…

There was something about this case that bothered her, but once again, I missed it.

Used to be a point in time where I could read her and she could read me.

Not anymore.

* * *

So she talks to Casey, and I talk to no one, and I'm an idiot for it,

But I can't blame her for talking to Casey, because they _are _

The only two women in the unit, at present, but I can't help but feel

Somewhat jealous, because Liv used to talk to me, but she doesn't anymore.

Well, she does, but not about personal stuff, like she used to.

Guess it's because she's figured out that I have my own issues.

That doesn't necessarily mean I can't help figure out hers.

* * *

So when she comes and sits at her desk later, after the case is done,

I look at her.

And she looks back at me, and I can tell

Something's not right, because Olivia Benson never gets that look on her face,

But she has it now.

And it almost scares me, so I get up and get my coat.

She looks at me for a moment, and I motion for her to come along.

* * *

So she does. And we go to that place we always go,

The place we haven't been to in a while.

And she talks to me, and tells me what she told Casey,

Because it had to do with this case,

And because she doesn't know how to handle it, and I'm tempted to laugh

Not at her, but at myself, because I've been caught up in my own problems so long

That I don't seem to remember other people have issues.

* * *

I apologize to her, and she gives me a startled look and calls me an idiot

Because I haven't done anything wrong, according to her,

But according to myself, I have, and so I say this and she shakes her head.

Just one of those things, she tells me.

And I want to believe her, because it seems that way, and then…

I start to wonder what would happen if one of my girls was caught in this situation.

So I tell her, and she shrugs, because like me, she doesn't know, either.


	14. Stronger than I Am

I go and visit Casey in the hospital and bring with me a softball.

She looks at me for a long moment and then laughs.

"You're an idiot, Stabler," she says, and I know she feels better.

Liv told me she could use a visit, because she's stuck here until the doctors say

That it's ok for her to leave, and we're all out searching

For the guy who attacked her, because

No one hurts our ADA and gets away with it.

* * *

The softball has the squad's signatures on it, mine included.

Casey notices this, and shakes her head at me.

She asks how things are going, and I know she means at work, but

I can't help but tell her that they could be better, talking about home.

The answer fits both, though.

And I know she knows it because she says nothing else about it.

It's things like this that makes me sure that this is where I belong.

* * *

The unit, that is, not the hospital.

Can't stand the places. I've been in too many over the years.

Seen too many people hurt.

Most of the time, it's people I don't know,

But it feels like I know them, so it hurts.

And this time, I know my victim, and I have to remind myself that we don't get to pick.

But Casey isn't the sort to let anything get her down.

* * *

And sure enough, as soon as she's able, she's walking around with a cane.

Talking about how she's going to go about this case with this complication.

And Branch takes her off because he worries.

It bothers her because she wants to put away our doer, but…she knows when to let it go.

Used to be that she watched us to find out how the unit worked and

What we'd do when the ADA balked at giving us what we needed, because

She didn't think we had enough.

* * *

But now I watch her.

And I can't help but think of her as some kind of a hero because

She took this beating, and yet she's here,

Working. Being an ADA. Doing what she does best.

And I've taken nothing of the sort, and I'm falling apart, because I don't know how to handle it.

It's almost amusing, but at the same time it's not, and she's…

So much stronger than I am, because she's bounced back, and I still haven'


	15. Five Years Later

You know you've gotten out of control when these things happen.

One, your partner's in your face about it.

Two, you're too concerned with the job that you can't focus on anything else.

Three…your kid gets arrested…

And tells you that she didn't call you or tell the officers who she was,

Because she knew they'd call you

And she was afraid of what you'd do.

* * *

It makes me wonder, yet again

Exactly what the hell kind of parent I am,

To get to the point where my own kid's afraid

That I'm going to flip out on her like I would on a suspect.

Or anyone else I come across.

Somehow the lines got blurred, and apparently,

My kids are now convinced that to me, they're just like everyone else.

* * *

But they're not.

They're different, because they're mine, and I do love them,

No matter what they seem to think, and it doesn't exactly help

When they tell me things like this, because all it does is make me doubt myself

And Kathy telling me that Kathleen is seventeen and can do her own thing…

Well, that doesn't help either.

She's right, though. Kathleen is seventeen, and can do whatever she will.

* * *

So long as she isn't breaking the law, that is.

And that's exactly what she's done, and I'm pushing the rules by making it go away.

Actually, I'm breaking them, but I won't think about that right now.

What I will think about is how she's drinking and she shouldn't be,

And how her mother doesn't seem to notice, even though she should.

Why is it that things always seem to change when I'm not around?

And why does it seem like I blink and they're into things like this?

* * *

Kathy told me once that they grow up while I'm at work,

And I didn't believe her.

That was five years ago.

And I'm only just starting to believe her.

Five years ago, she was the only one around to watch them growing up as it was.

And five years later, in this moment…she still is.

There's definitely something wrong with that.


	16. Looking for Advice

Fin's usually the one that gets into it with Munch, but

Apparently, this time, it was my turn.

If he hadn't disappeared with Amy Solway, then there wouldn't have been a problem

But he did, and Casey pulled strings so neither of them would get into it.

And I can't help but wonder why he did what he did.

It makes sense to me, it really does.

But it goes against the law, and both of us are cops, so there wasn't much I could do.

* * *

…to keep what he was doing under wraps, that is.

Casey would've found out sooner or later.

I want answers to things that aren't easy to answer, and I guess

That's part of my problem, because I go looking where I shouldn't,

And then I end up in a fight, with Munch, of all people, because I'm stubborn,

And so is he, and apparently, it never ends well.

So when I slide into the seat across from him at the café, I don't expect him to say anything.

* * *

But he does.

And somehow we end up in this whole discussion, and suddenly, I'm asking him for advice,

Because I really don't know who else to ask…

And I think he'd laugh if he didn't know I was serious, because it's really

The last thing I'd have ever thought of asking him, just because it doesn't really seem

All that likely that anything he tells me would help, much, given his track record and all

But he knows a lot more about it than any of us ever thought.

* * *

He didn't know.

In fact, he seems almost surprised by it, but…

To tell the truth, I'm really not.

Figured it was a long time coming, anyway, and Kathy's nothing less than a saint

For putting up with me all those years, and Munch tells me this, and ordinarily,

I might've ignored him, but this time, I don't.

And I don't know why, because I don't want to hear it, but at the same time…I do.

* * *

So we talk, and he tells me a few things that I never thought of,

Because I never bothered.

Or because I never wanted to.

I don't know.

But now I think of them, and he says nothing, because he knows better than anyone else

What I'm seeing, what I'm feeling.

And I wonder how he handled it so many times before, and I want to ask, but I don't.


	17. Everything I'm Told

There was a point in time where I was naïve enough to believe

A lot of the things that I was told, because

There wasn't anyone to tell me otherwise.

It wasn't why I joined the Marines.

No…I joined because I wanted to, and because I suddenly had a family,

And because I couldn't sit around and do nothing.

It was never the way I was, even as a kid. Never could seem to sit still.

* * *

You think you see it all sometimes, and then something new pops up,

Because that's just the way the world works.

I went looking for change, came home, settled into this, but now…

It seems like it's all happening all over again, and we're there for good reasons,

But at what costs? This is just…

One of those cases.

Yeah. One of those cases. An all purpose term we use when we can't say anything else.

* * *

The questions come to me, because, hey,

I'm the one with the tattoo on my forearm, USMC, anchor, globe and eagle.

I won't deny the time I spent in the service, because I'm proud of it,

No reason for me not to be.

But it's things like this that make me wonder, like any person would,

And the difference is that I'm no longer naïve enough to believe

Every single thing I'm told.

* * *

Of course, sometimes it gets to the point where I want to,

'Cause I don't want to have to think of it for myself.

But two cops are in trouble because of a whole bunch of stuff, and

Apparently, it's all the government's fault.

They try to keep these guys safe while they're overseas, and it backfires, and suddenly,

We're the ones dealing with it, and it seems almost wrong, but hey…

The job itself is wrong, but I'm not going anywhere any time soon. It's like I'm stuck.

* * *

And they wonder why I have an issue with this.

Of course I'm going to.

These guys, when they come home…

They deserve better than this.

But apparently, out of the lot of us, I'm the only one that sees it that way,

Which is completely wrong, because they're risking their lives, same as us.

The only difference is that what they're doing…isn't supported the same way we are.


	18. Reflections on Myself

Push, pull…

It's always something.

Pushing you towards doing something you shouldn't,

Pulling you back to where you should be,

And damn it, why does it always seem like it's never what you want?  
And why am I even wondering about this?  
Wouldn't be, if I wasn't stuck here, in this undercover role.

* * *

Wouldn't be, if I hadn't gotten involved at all, but some people never change,

And this guy, well…

To put it shortly, I'd love if he just vanished into nowhere, but, no…

I've got to pretend to be _friends_ with him, so I can figure him out,

Find out what he's doing, make it work so we can nail him,

And damned if I don't fit into this role…

Why is it so easy to scare the hell out of myself these days?

* * *

Don't want to be this person they think I am.

I want to go back to being myself, Detective Stabler, but no,

It's too damn late for that, and if I wasn't so damn stubborn, I wouldn't be stuck here.

And now I've figured this guy out, and I'm in over my head, as usual,

Because I still don't know when to let go,

And there's this girl here in this warehouse, and she thinks I'm actually going to hurt her.

Even if she didn't look like one of mine, I wouldn't.

* * *

And so I tell her, I'm a cop. Listen to me. I'm going to tell you how to get out of here.

The relief that settles over me when she's free of this place is everything,

Compared to being knocked unconscious, and waking up

Handcuffed to a car, with a gun under my chin.

I've saved her from something, even if it looks like I'm this close to being killed.

But one life saved is better than none.

I knew going in that I could lose my own, and better mine than someone else's child.

* * *

I wonder how many people would actually do that.

Not many, I guess.

But I think of my own kids, and hope that if it got to that point,

That if I couldn't be there to protect them,

Someone would be.

But then, the way things are in this city nowadays, you never know.

And when Liv and Fin find me, I'm still thinking about it.


	19. Designer Perfect

Designer kids…

What the hell is the world going to come up with next?

I'm not one to say technology needs to go somewhere else, but still…

The things these people come up with nowadays...honestly.

Perfect child…damn it, people.

Why can't you ever just be happy with what you're given?

Isn't that ever enough?

* * *

Then again, I suppose, if you're _privileged_ enough,

You can get whatever you want, but I'll tell you one thing…

I wouldn't trade my kids for the world.

And I sure as hell wouldn't want to change anything about them.

What kind of thing is that to do, anyhow? To try and make a perfect child…

Hate to break it to you, but kids are gonna make mistakes.

That's just the way they are.

* * *

And if they don't look the way you expected them to,

Why does it matter?  
You should just be happy you're even having a kid, 'cause

There are plenty of people out there who don't,

And who can't, and there you are sitting around determining exactly what you'll get.

That shouldn't be determined by a human, by the way.

All you're doing is screwing with the way things are supposed to be.

* * *

The emptiness inside the house is more obvious now than it was before.

I wish more than anything that the kids were there,

To make some kind of noise, because now, it's getting to the point where

I wouldn't care how late it was or how loud they were,

I just want something to come and fill this empty space.

And I'm tempted to laugh at myself, even though it's not really funny,

Just because I've realized something.

* * *

I really don't understand why some parents feel like they've gotta

Determine everything about their kids, because honestly, all it does is

Push them away, 'cause they want their own lives, not yours.

And even if you can't see it, other people can, because there are a lot of people out there

Who don't care what they do so long as they don't get hurt, and a lot of people who think

That their kids are perfect, without the designer stuff.

If you haven't noticed, I'm one of them.


	20. The Way We Are

Liv talks to me later, after her case is over and done with, and

She tells me that Munch was being a jerk about it,

And Fin was sitting on the fence, with no opinion one way or another.

She doesn't say anything about Cragen, which tells me that he was just

Wanting them to do their jobs, so they did.

And I was off on the other side of the city, helping with something else.

She says she missed having me there, and I wonder if she means it.

* * *

We sit in silence for longer than we normally do, which

Doesn't exactly surprise me because she's told me what went down,

And she says that she's all right now that it's closed, and I tell her,

You're turning into me. Talk.

She gives me a look, calls me a hypocrite, but then she talks.

And I can't help but feel relieved, even though I know that she's

Tried this on me a million times before, but it's never seemed to work.

* * *

But then again, I'm a guy, and she's not,

And I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything,

Other than the fact that I'm better at bottling stuff in than she is.

I'd laugh, but it's not really all that funny.

Both of us have learned way too many lessons in this short of a time, and

It's not something I expected.

But my life's falling apart, and she's starting to find herself.

* * *

And I think it might just be a good thing.

That she's finding herself, I mean, 'cause my life falling apart…

Not so good.

And I'm trying to get it together, but it doesn't seem to be working, and

This volatile temper of mine isn't exactly helping.

In fact, it might just be making things worse,

Because that's all it ever seems to do.

* * *

She asks me what it's like to walk around with a broken heart, out of nowhere,

And I look at her for a long moment, before asking why she wants to know.

She shrugs.

Usually this means she's just asking 'cause she can't think of anything else,  
But I know better.

And so I tell her that it hurts like hell, 'cause I don't know if I can fix it, and

She nods, because she knows exactly what I mean, because that's just how we are.


	21. Even if We Weren't

This time after the case, I end up talking to Fin.

And it's almost strange, because on a personal level, I haven't ever really talked to him.

Not because I don't like him, because we've never had a problem.

He's a cop, same as me, we both have at least one kid, we're in the same unit.

But, as he put it during that conversation, we grew up in different places.

He's right, in a way.

We did, but we both ended up here.

* * *

The conversation goes towards our kids, of all things.

I'm not too surprised.

Most of the time I talk to any other cop I know that's a parent…

It always goes back to the kids.

He asks me if I'd know if something serious were going on with my four,

And I have to tell him that right now, I don't know,

Because I don't.

* * *

And he looks at me for a long moment, and then shakes his head before telling me

That at least I get to talk to them pretty much as often as I want.

This makes me wonder, but I don't ask.

He says after a moment he wishes he had a better relationship with his son,

And I don't know what to tell him, because

My relationship with my son isn't all that great right now, either.

Guess we really do have more in common than I thought.

* * *

Not too sure that's something to be happy about, given what it is.

It's funny, I tell him, how most things going on, you know about,

But they're little, and hardly seem to matter, and then,

The big things, you're clueless about, and those are the things

That you need to know about, because if you don't,

There's no way you can come and help them when they need it,

Even though they never seem to think they need it.

* * *

They think they're invincible, he says, and then, that it takes something like this

For them to realize that they're not, and by then,

It's too late, because they've lost someone, and some of them only want to keep going.

Silence.

It's something that neither of us want to think about, but we do, anyway.

And part of it's just 'cause we're cops, and that's what we do.

But the other part is that we're both parents, and even if we weren't cops, we'd worry.


	22. If You Teach a Child

…And if you teach a child to hate,

Then they'll grow up with no sense of tolerance,

For anyone, or anything, that's different from them,

Because everything they know is everything that's the same,

And as far as they know, there is nothing else,

And there can be nothing else, because that's not the way the world should be,

Even though it's the way the world is.

* * *

Munch is amused, in a twisted sort of way,

Even after being smacked across the face, and called various names,

Which pissed me off, because that's not how anyone should be treated,

Least of all someone I know and respect.

Fin's just annoyed, and I can't blame him.

All this talk about supremacy and whatnot…it's enough to annoy me, too,

And I'm not even the one being targeted.

* * *

But maybe that's just 'cause I'm the one with blue eyes.

Like it really makes me any different from the other two,

Or from Olivia, who gets called a feminist and rolls her eyes about it later,

'Cause she's always been good about ignoring things like that.

I still don't see a difference, even after they're pointed out to me.

We're all cops, I say to them later, when the other three give me a hard time.

We all do the same job, in the same unit. There is no difference.

* * *

Looks, yes. The way our lives have gone, maybe.

We all ended up in the same place.

I don't think any less of them because of who they are and what they are,

And damn it, I refuse to.

Don't see the point. Never have, never will.

But even so, when the scene in the courtroom goes down,

It makes me wonder what my kids would think of all of this.

* * *

If they know that to hate someone because of how they look is wrong.

And I know they do, 'cause their mother and I have never stood for that sort of thing,

And in any case, their friends come from everywhere, as I've had pointed out to me.

Makes me feel better, almost, while I lie there in the hospital, staring at the ceiling.

At least I know that my kids have been taught right.

And if you teach a child to love,

They will find good in everyone, and not just themselves.


	23. Cold Cases

Cold cases, to me, always seem to be the worst ones.

They're open for years, shoved to the back burner, 'cause we're all

Living in a city where the crime rate seems to rise and fall and rise again,

Depending on the mood people are in.

Looking at someone cross-eyed can get you shot,

Talking smack can get you stabbed…

That sort of thing.

* * *

The cold cases that involve children shouldn't be cold cases at all,

Wouldn't be if not for lack of evidence,

Should be the first on our priority list,

And a lot of the time, aren't, because there's so much else to do.

It's not that we don't care, it's just that the city's too damn big.

The discovery of a body sticks me with Vizcarrando, and

We go out trying to find out exactly what happened.

* * *

And all it does is lead us to another cold case, 'cause somehow,

These things are all connected, and she's only here because

There was this case that took over her cop father until he finally passed on…

This kid in a box.

No one knew his name, where he'd come from, what he was doing there.

All she wanted was an answer.

Could've told her that there are rarely any easy answers.

* * *

Life is one of those things that everyone takes for granted,

Everyone thinks it'll last forever.

That they have time, to do as they will and then make amends for it.

Not how it works.

Suppose the least we can do as cops is try and close the cases that got left behind

But some of them aren't meant to be closed,

No matter how much it hurts.

* * *

And it does hurt.

Makes me want to go to where my kids are, and hold onto them,

And never let them go, for fear something like this will happen,

Because if it ever did, I would never see them again,

And if this separation hasn't killed me,

Then losing one of them, all of them…

That definitely would.


	24. Thoughts on a Case

I'd poke at Liv for the speed dating thing if I didn't know

That it was for work, and to find someone that we were looking for.

As it is, it was for work, and the thought that this idiot actually thought

That he'd get away with coming after her, well…

Apparently, he doesn't know as much as he thought he did,

'Cause Fin and I were right there.

Liv can take care of herself, but even she admits sometimes she needs backup.

* * *

I've seen her invested in cases, just like I have been.

Nothing new, considering our line of work.

But there are some that we push, because we can, and honestly,

This guy really is an idiot, thinking he can control her, 'cause

People like that can be talked into anything, and sure enough, Liv gets a testimony,

But the next thing we know, everything's getting shot to hell,

After all, nothing's ever that easy.

* * *

The others give me hell sometimes, because of my opinions on marriage, and

I might be legally separated now (whatever that means), but it doesn't matter.

I still have the same opinions, and if I could get away with it, I'd smack this guy,

Marrying his girlfriend only to shut her up, because

Everyone knows about the spousal privilege thing, and if she's his wife, she can't talk,

And he knows it.

That smug look on his face tells me and Liv both that he does.

* * *

Doubt he'd have married her otherwise.

Now that she's on a feeding tube, he wants it off, and it makes me wonder.

Lot of things have been doing that lately.

Couldn't live like that myself, but that's just me, and this guy, well,

He's only in it for what he can get out of it,

Not because he cares, and I don't think he should get his way,

But if the wishes are made clear, then that's the way it is.

* * *

I do poke at Liv later, when it's done, and she pokes back at me.

Can't live like that, she says, and I nod, and ask if I should write it down.  
She shakes her head, and informs me that since I'm the only one she's ever had

A 'serious relationship' with, no one's gonna doubt me. I tell her not to be sure,

That Munch or Fin might fight me on it, 'cause they care about her as much as I do,

But she shakes her head again, and laughs, before telling me that we're going for drinks,

And for once, I don't fight her on it.


	25. Walking Away

How to figure this one out…

Don't know.

Can't hardly get my mind around it, because it's just one of those things.

And I wonder if I'd have the same reaction as Lauren's father

If it had been one of my girls, or if I still have enough of myself left

To be there for them, no matter what,

Without losing it and scaring the hell out of them.

* * *

I can't believe he'd walk away like that.

Actually, I can, because I've seen it happen before, but…

It seems wrong, every time, and all it does is make me think that

Some guys don't need to be fathers, they really don't.

And it's amusing, in a twisted sort of way, because they think they can,

But it turns out they can't, and when something goes wrong, they walk,

Just because they don't think it's their problem anymore.

* * *

What the hell is that, anyway?  
Just because she doesn't keep a promise…

No reason to walk away.

A reason to stay, and help, because, damn it, that's what parents are supposed to do.

And who the hell does he think he is, anyway, walking away, just because he can?  
He's still got obligations.

And maybe I'm taking this way too personally.

* * *

But I wouldn't walk out on one of my girls.

And they know it, which is somewhat of a comfort.

Went to see them when it was over and done with, and they seemed ok,

Like they're adjusting to being where they are,

Even though they say that they'd rather be at home,

Which bothers me, 'cause I'd love nothing more, but in truth,

That decision is up to their mother.

* * *

Can't force it to go my way, and I wouldn't, anyway,

Just because it feels like I've known this was going to happen,

And I wish more than anything that I could figure out where I'm going.  
Even now. Even though it's been almost a year.

Feels like so much longer.

Twenty-one years, almost, since there's been no mention of divorce.

I wonder how much longer this is going to last.


	26. Pushing the Lines

She pushes things as far as I do sometimes.

I call her on this, because I know exactly what she did,

Even though she hasn't said anything, because Liv doesn't make it so obvious,

Not like I do.

And she tells me to shut the hell up about it, which she rarely ever says to me,

So I leave it alone,

Except to tell her that I agree with her.

* * *

She gives me a sideways look, and then says under her breath that I

Shouldn't tell the captain, 'cause she'll get hell for it,

And I tell her that I won't.

What else are partners for, I ask, and she rolls her eyes before looking at her desk,

But I know she knows what I mean.

I really won't say anything, either.

Not exactly looking to lose her, too.

* * *

That would make this life equivalent to a living hell, 'cause

At the moment, she's the one holding me together,

The one that I can lean on.

And it goes both ways, and she knows it, and sometimes, she makes me wonder.

I think I'm rubbing off on her, and that's not exactly a good thing.

My temper, her patience, and everything in between.

She puts up with way more than she should.

* * *

Suppose I could cut her some slack about crossing the lines,

Seeing as I tend to do it with every case we get.

But then, it's not like she hasn't done it before, either.

I know what she was aiming for, and that's what helps, because

I'd have wanted the same thing, and I think that maybe,

Mulling over what she's done will give me a break

From thinking about my own faults.


	27. Against Everyone But Yourself

Why is it that people can be so prejudiced against others,

But never against themselves?  
You would think that people would learn some kind of tolerance,

Considering we live in a city where everyone's welcome…

At least, welcome to the people who don't care one way or another,

Because there's no reason to care,

Unless people are out there breaking the law.

* * *

And that's what the cops are for, anyway.

Besides, what right do people have to pass judgment on each other,

Given the fact that everyone is different, and everyone knows it?  
What sense does that make?

And why does it always seem that the innocent ones get caught in the crossfire,

Right where they shouldn't be?  
Maybe it's because the world doesn't really care, but they pretend to.

* * *

And why should they pretend, anyway, when we really should care?  
One kid is paralyzed, and the other's life has been turned completely upside down,

And for what?  
To make a point? To get back at someone for something?  
It seems so…petty that it irritates me, because this isn't how it goes.

But maybe I'm just too set in my ways, and I don't really want to believe

That it does go that way.

* * *

But ever since she took the kids and left,

I've been questioning a lot more than I used to,

About myself, the unit, the job…

I find it somewhat amusing, just because I can't explain it.

If I could, then it wouldn't be,

And then where would I be?  
Don't know the answer to that, and it scares me.

* * *

So this is what we have,

Two kids, one world, different lives, raised different ways.

Beliefs are such that people should leave it to each their own,

Because we all believe different things,

And to force beliefs on someone, well…  
That's not what we're supposed to do, now is it?

But it doesn't change the fact that some people do.


	28. Seen Too Much

…too much violence on these streets.

I see it day in and day out, and I really wish that I didn't, because

It's just one of those things that never settles right.

And why is it that stuff like this has to happen before someone realizes

That it's all screwed up and someone needs to do something, before

It gets to be too late?  
I don't get it.

* * *

But at the same time, I do.

Somehow, it makes sense.

He sees his mother murdered, and goes for the one who did it.

Vicious, neverending cycle.

Why does it have to be this way?  
Another one of those questions without an easy answer.

And of course it'd hit me when I least expect it.

* * *

Right when I start thinking about my own family again.

There's a reason why I don't ever say anything,

Why I don't bring anything home, because there's always a chance

That one case will turn out to be the one that makes something happen,

And it happened once, and now I'm sitting here staring at divorce papers.

Divorce papers. Of all things.

This is a lot worse than the note Kathy left when she up and disappeared on me.

* * *

Told Liv about it after I got shot.

Hadn't signed them then, and I'm not going to sign them now.

Don't know if it's just because I'm being stubborn,

Or if I really think there's still a chance, because I'm

Really hoping that there is one, because I don't want to give up…

Don't want to let go.

But if I have to…

* * *

Don't know if I can.

Gave her my high school ring on the day we graduated,

And she hasn't given it back yet, which makes me wonder,

'Cause she might have, if she didn't think this was gonna work,

And I haven't talked to her in a while, and wish I could,

Without getting into some kind of argument…

Seems like that's all that ever happens lately.


	29. On the News

Maureen is the first to inform me that she saw me on the news,

And this is after she sets a box down in the empty apartment I've taken residence in.

Hard to believe I've actually moved, but I don't need that place to myself,

And I know Kathy isn't going to go back as long as I'm there,

So now I'm here, in Manhattan, with the kids, because I've enlisted them to help move.

For once, none of them complain about it,

Which is actually funny now that I think about it.

* * *

My oldest child's initial comment catches the attention of her siblings,

Who weren't really paying attention in the first place,

And they all confirm her story, which makes me wonder exactly how much of the news

They actually watch, to which Dickie tells me they watch long enough to see what's up

With the department, and once it's over and they're assured everything's fine,

They change it to whatever else is on.

Figures.

* * *

Kathleen drops her own box, which thankfully doesn't have anything breakable in it,

And then informs me that she couldn't do what I do.

I ask her why, even though I'm secretly relieved by this, and she tells me

That it's really because she doesn't think she could handle it emotionally.

I don't tell her that sometimes it feels that way for me, too.

Don't know whether or not to be bothered by the fact that they know what I do,

But they've grown up so much that I shouldn't be surprised by it.

* * *

I'm not, really.

But there's still that one part of me that wishes they didn't know.

That they didn't pay so much attention.

Elizabeth tells me when I say this that they dislike being uninformed about

What's going on in the city, which I really can't fault them for,

I don't like it, either.

But the difference between them and me is that I'm a cop, and they're not.

* * *

I don't point this out.

Instead I inform them that we're done for the day, even though we're not,

And that we're going for ice cream, because I feel like it.

Haven't done that in a while, and as we file out, Kathleen pokes me in the arm.

I look at her and she looks back, and says that she doesn't care what other people say,

She's proud of me, and what I do.

And I wonder as she says this if she really knows how much it means to me.


	30. If It's Just Me

This custody thing bothers me.

Part of it's just because I never thought it would happen,

And the other part is that I can see my oldest two whenever, because they drive,

But the twins are stuck on whatever weekends end up as mine,

And as much as I've told them not to hate things,

I have to admit that I really do hate this.

I miss being able to see them as often as I used to.

* * *

So, needless to say, sitting here in the squad room isn't helping.

Especially not when I'm solving a case that has to do with the sort of victims

That can't defend themselves…newborn children, abandoned, left alone…

To die, for the most part, but some are lucky, and they're found, and they make it.

I'd love to know where people get off doing that sort of thing.

But then again, I wouldn't,

Because all it would do is make me even more annoyed with the world than I already am.

* * *

Can't do the overcoming resistance with compassion, because this time,

I have none.

And I know it's the wrong thing to say, but just…

Holding onto that baby that this kid just threw away,

And for what?  
To save herself, to hide a secret, to keep herself from being exposed?

There are better ways to do that.

* * *

Of course, that's just me, and hell,

What do I know?  
I'm just some cop who's trying to ruin someone else's life.

Yeah, right.

Am I looking to ruin someone's life? No.

But am I looking to save someone's life? Bet your own life on it.

We'll see how it comes out.

* * *

…Don't understand how people can just do that, without thinking.

Without caring.

How they can look into the face of their newborn child and decide

It's not worth it. Not worth keeping. Not worth loving.

This is just…one of those cases, yet again.

Those have been happening a lot lately.

I wonder if it's just me.


	31. Having to Remember

The problem with lying to someone is that you have to remember

Exactly what you've said, otherwise, you're kind of screwed,

Because you can't go back,

And I guess sitting there in a wheelchair, pretending you're helpless

Falls under that category, because it's been another one of those,

And I'm starting to wonder what goes through people's minds, sometimes,

Because it really seems like nothing.

* * *

But of course, just because it seems like nothing

Doesn't mean it is.

There's usually something, even if that something is one of those things

That's going to end up with someone dead or in trouble, but apparently

If you've got everyone thinking you're helpless,

You don't care,

'Cause no one could ever believe it was you.

* * *

Then again, we're cops, and

It's kind of in our nature to wonder about things,

So we figured it out, of course,

And there was Tessa, floating in the pool,

Despite claiming that she couldn't walk or do anything else, pretty much.

That little theory pretty much got shot to hell,

And we made our case.

* * *

Makes me wonder what she was thinking,

Because I really don't think she was,

Trying to set her husband up, just because of an affair,

I mean, sure it's heard of, but some things…

Well, to put it shortly, some things are more ridiculous than others.

Guess it's up to us to figure out what's what,

Because if we don't, it's likely no one else is going to.

* * *

Even so, any way I think about it, I wouldn't do it.

Wouldn't have the affair, because it's not worth it,

Wouldn't pretend to be helpless, because I could never pull it off,

Which is almost funny, but at the same time, not.

The stupid thing about all of this is that people tell so many lies sometimes

That they can't find their way back, and by the time they decide they want to,

It's already too late.


	32. Ten O'Clock Somewhere

Have you seen this child?  
…I don't think there's a more frightening sentence in all the world.

And I can't imagine it happening to me,

Even though I know that it could,

Which scares the hell out of me, because I don't want to think about it,

And yet I do, because that's just part of who I am, nowadays.

I've seen too much not to think about it.

* * *

But on a class trip….

What is that supposed to tell people?  
That the cops spend so much time trying to keep the city safe, but

As it turns out, we can't do it?  
There are only about forty thousand of us,

Compared to eight million in the city including us.

What does that tell you now?

* * *

That we don't care, or that it's not priority?  
Kids are always the priority, no matter how old they are,

And some of them are victims, and some of them are doers, and all it does

Is make me question the world as it is, because

If there are kids out there doing what I investigate,

What kind of society does that make us, and

Why aren't we doing anything about it yet?

* * *

Not my weekend, and besides that, it's the middle of the week, anyway,

But I call Maureen's cell phone despite this, 'cause

I want to talk to her, and I can tell she's got it on speakerphone

When I hear all three of her siblings, and they sound

Almost surprised to be hearing from me, but we talk,

And it feels good to hear their voices, because it means

That they're where they're supposed to be, but I worry, anyway.

* * *

Night comes a lot more quickly than I thought it would, and I

Watch the shadows as they move across the ceiling, but

The case is closed and we've got the ones we were aiming for,

But there's still a family missing a child, and it hurts to know this,

Because I know where my four are, even if I can't see them,

And I still can't imagine knowing what it's like

To know that it's ten o'clock somewhere, and you have no idea where your baby is.


	33. Still the Four of Us

Stay in school, says Fin, when we go to arrest this girl, and

It's all I can do not to laugh at him, not because I don't expect him to say this,  
But because of the timing.

Later on, this little story is recounted while we sit, side by side, the four of us,

Two sets of partners across from each other, at the usual place,

And all of us laugh.

It feels…almost normal. And it feels pretty damn good.

* * *

We talk, and it feels like the wall of silence has been finally lifted.

And I'm an idiot for not doing this before, and I know it, but…

Somehow it felt wrong before this, and I know it's ridiculous, but I guess it's

Just because I'm too damn stubborn for my own good.

But the squad…they were always there, in that quiet way they have,

Even when I didn't say anything…

Because there wasn't anything to say.

* * *

But there's always something to say, Liv tells me,

And makes me feel guilty, because I've been a jerk,

To her, and the other two, and I wonder if it'll come back to bite me,

The way the whole cheating thing came back to bite these kids,

To the point where someone ended up dead over it.

I wonder how that works, and think of my own oldest, still in college,

And hope to heaven that it never gets to that point for her.

* * *

I know it won't, though.

Maureen is a good kid, she wouldn't try anything like this,

No matter how screwed up she thinks her mother and I are right now,

She wouldn't do any of that, it's not something she'd consider.

The thought gives a considerable amount of comfort,

And I know why.

No matter what happens to Kathy and me, we raised good kids.

* * *

And it's with this in mind that I leave, with the other three, and

We're all walking, because we've had drinks, but it's nice out, for once,

So none of us mind, and we keep talking, because it feels like old times, still,

And none of us are quite ready to give that up,

Because come tomorrow, it'll go back to the way it's been,

Just like it always does, because that's just the way it is,

And the one good thing is that no matter what, it's still the four of us.


	34. Family Secrets

It's way too easy to get personal around here.

And why does it always seem that when it gets to the point where

We're too involved,  
It's already too late to back off, and stay away?

The whole thing starts with Liv, ironically, but it isn't really her fault,

And I shouldn't have gone at Fin,

But I did anyway, 'cause he pissed me off.

* * *

Then again, I guess it goes both ways,

I say something about his kid, he says something about one of mine.

Too much tension in the squad room right now,

But then, that's just the way it's been lately, and

Who am I to say anything, 'cause, hey,

I'm the one causing it in the first place,

Or so I get told later on, but I ignore it, 'cause I don't want to hear it.

* * *

Maybe that's my problem…

Wait a minute, maybe? That _is_ the problem.

Can't do this if I don't know myself, and the sad thing is that

I used to, but now I don't anymore, and it's bothering me,

Because I'd love to be able to figure it out, but

This case isn't exactly helping,

And neither is this issue with Fin. It needs to go somewhere.

* * *

But it won't, because lately, things like this…

They linger.

And why is it that stuff you didn't know

Always seems to come out when you least expect it,

Like now?

I think it's thrown us all for a loop,

'Cause it's definitely one of those things we weren't looking for.

* * *

I'd make some kind of comment about family secrets,

If I didn't know that all of us have 'em, including me,

And none of us want the others to know.

It's funny, 'cause usually, we can tell each other anything,

But things have changed, a lot, too much,

And it doesn't feel like that anymore, which bothers me,

Because sometimes those family things are the ones that bring you down.


	35. Looking Over My Shoulder

I can't believe this.

She doesn't even have the nerve to tell me that,

Hey, she wants a new partner.

No.

I have to find it out from our captain, who also informs me

That if I don't cool it, he's gonna stick her with someone else, permanently.

I wonder if he knows she's the one reason I'm still here.

* * *

Not because of any romantic notions, 'cause

Heaven only knows Liv would have something to say about that one.

And I couldn't think of her that way, anyway.

Well, I could, but I don't, because it seems wrong.

We've been partners too long, anyway.

She'd probably laugh if I did, and she found out, and besides,

Neither of us have time for it.

* * *

The fact still remains, though, that she doesn't want to be here anymore,

Or rather, she doesn't want to be here with me.

This one's definitely my fault.

Always having to look over my shoulder, to make sure you're ok…

What the hell was I thinking,

Saying that to her?

Maybe I wasn't. And yet again, that's my problem.

* * *

She's not sitting at her desk.

Ordinarily, I might not have noticed,

Except for the fact that apparently, she talked to Munch and Fin,

'Cause they're both glaring at me,

And I know why, without having to ask.

Neither of them would talk to me, anyway, I think…

At least, not now.

* * *

It's officially settled now.

I have screwed up every single relationship that I have, and the stupid thing is that

I never really thought Liv would up and leave.

Goes to show exactly how much I take for granted.

Stupid, really.

She's the one who always has my back, and lately…I've been too wrapped up in myself

To realize what it's doing to her. No wonder she left.


	36. Things so Complicated

The new guy doesn't sit well with me.

I'd love to ask him exactly what he thinks he's doing here,

Except the captain told me to play nice before sticking me with him.

Play nice.

Yeah, right. It's a bit late for that.

He's already pissing me off,

And I know Munch and Fin are waiting to laugh, and they will, when it's just us.

* * *

Liv shows up while I'm changing my shirt, 'cause

Blaine went and tore it after I decked him for talking about her.

Well…talking about her and me, anyway.

He deserved it, but I know I'm gonna get called into the office,

And it almost makes me feel like a kid again,

Getting detention for something stupid, like putting a frog in a girl's desk.

But there's no frog in Liv's desk…only a temp.

* * *

I don't want to talk to her, but I do anyway,

Asking her what she's doing there,

And she tells me that she heard what happened,

So I tell her the new guy's a jerk, though not in those words,

Before asking why she didn't say anything before,

To which she replies that it's complicated.

Complicated, my eye. She left because she wanted to.

* * *

It's why I don't ask her anything more.

And she goes, and I can't help but feel like another part of me is missing, and

It's not exactly the most pleasant feeling in the world.

Why does it always seem like everything's falling apart,

Right when I need it to stay together?

Way to go, says that voice in my mind. You're thinking of yourself again.

And it's right, because I am, and it's like I need to, before I lose it.

* * *

And once again, everything's been shot to hell.

What does it say about me, knowing that I thought everything was fine,

Before I pretty much told Liv I didn't have time to have her back,

Which was stupid in itself, because I did, and I do,

And now I'm stuck with this new guy, and this case,

And if anything's complicated, it's this, because I understand it, but I don't, and

Life's a lot more complicated than what our partnership was.


	37. Knee Jerk Reactions

I ask her what she's doing there,

And she tells me, 'I work here', with that look that says

'Stabler, you're an idiot',

And it makes me want to laugh, but I don't, because

Somehow, we've ended up in one of those contests where

The first one who talks is gonna end up buying the first round,

But I'm just glad she's back, so if it ends up me, I'm not gonna care.

* * *

It ends up being Munch, though, because he talks to us,

And because we felt obligated to answer, we talked, and

Then we informed him of the little game we were playing.

He thought it was funny.

Says he's going to try it with Fin, but I doubt it'll work…

Fin never was the sort to fall for something like that.

And in any case, we'll probably be here long enough for it to get around to all four of us.

* * *

Which means that we'll probably end up walking,

Not that any of us really care, because

It's not like we can't catch a cab, and three of us live in Manhattan now.

Fin's the only one that has to drive, anyway.

Liv hasn't really been gone that long, but it feels like forever,

And maybe it's because we're so used to her being there,

Or maybe it's because the squad room feels empty without her.

* * *

Yeah.

That's it. The place is empty without her.

The four of us are so different, and yet, we're all the same,

Because of this unit, this precinct, this common link between us,

A desire to take these people off the streets and make them safe,

Though heaven only knows we can only do so much.

But somehow, when it's the four of us, it feels like we can take on the world.

* * *

We do that every day, anyway.

Liv pokes me, and I poke her back, and

Then she goes and pushes Munch's foot under the table, 'cause

She can get away with it, and he knows better than to poke at his own partner,

So he pokes her back, and she pokes me, and it makes my knee jerk,

And we hear a thudding sound, and the next thing we know,

All four of us are involved, because I've accidentally kicked Fin.


	38. A Good Head on their Shoulders

Kids have too many role models nowadays.

Well, people that they think should be role models, anyway.

I wouldn't be saying anything if things like this didn't happen,

Some rock star telling people that it's bad to take their meds,

And this girl taking his advice, and driving through a crowd.

Not pushing or shoving…actually driving, and y'know, stuff like that…

It kills people.

* * *

But people don't think about it.

All they see is some celebrity, telling them, hey,

This is cool. And this isn't. And if you do it, then you're not cool.

What the hell kind of world is that?

And who tells a kid that, anyway?

What kind of role models are these people?

And why are our kids following them?

* * *

Too many questions.

Later on, when it's over and done with,

I realize that it's my weekend again. And it's late, but not too late.

When I go to the house, the twins are still awake.

And after informing their mother that, finally, I've shown up,

We leave.

It feels weird, having them, and not their older sisters tagging along.

* * *

We've done it before, though.

I guess the weird part is that now, the older two can see me whenever,

And they can't, because of this damned arrangement.

I'm informed by Elizabeth that once again, they've watched the news, and have

Figured out exactly what's going on.

She tells me she thinks it's stupid, what this so called rock star was pushing for,

And needless to say, I'm relieved when her brother agrees.

* * *

At least I know I don't have to worry about the two of them,

Or the older two, either, because

They've all got good heads on their shoulders, and

Of course they're not going to fall for something as stupid as that.

Then again, they don't have any issues that I know of.

And if they do, they haven't said anything.

And I wonder why I think of this, because it scares me more than this case did.


	39. Disconnected

I told Agent Lewis that she was a jinx, because she is,

And she told me that if she hadn't been around, I wouldn't be here.

She's probably right.

That damn house exploded out of nowhere; if it hadn't been for her,

We wouldn't have gotten out.

But she's still a jinx.

Last time she came around, both Munch and I got shot.

* * *

This case is a bit stranger than the usual,

And usually, none of us like working with the Feds,

But we all like her well enough.

She's easier to get along with than all the others, except Huang,

And that's because he's been around for a while.

It's not all that surprising that Lewis and Liv are friends,

But this case was the Feds' in the first place, so I'm almost wondering…

* * *

And then Liv disappears.

Just like that.

She goes on this thing with Lewis, and apparently, it goes wrong,

And the next thing I know, Cragen's telling me that Liv's been

Temporarily reassigned.

Sounds familiar.

It's what happened when she disappeared to computer crimes a while back.

* * *

But this time, I can't know where she is,

And I don't, because no one can tell me.

Munch doesn't know, I've asked him,

And Fin doesn't, either.

It's throwing us all for a loop, 'cause while we don't keep tabs on each other,

We keep 'em on her, without her really knowing.

She figured us out, though, I know she did, but she didn't say anything.

* * *

Wonder if she knows that we wonder where she is,

If she's safe, or if Lewis is as much of a jinx to her as she is to us.

Those Feds better keep an eye on her, since we can't.

And they'd better not jerk her around, either.

I pick up the phone,

And dial her number, out of habit, taking a chance…

But the operator informs me that it's disconnected.


	40. Thinking about You

I tell Fin that he's lucky he doesn't have daughters,

Because Kathleen's just stormed off after telling me she hates me,

Which comes because I told her I'm not going to help her fix things

Between her and her idiot boyfriend, who I never really liked in the first place.

I still don't see what she sees in him. Nor do I want to know.

What I do want is for her to see that she deserves better than him,

But then, she's at that age where she'll go out with him just to annoy me.

* * *

The girl in our case looks like she's about ten,

To me, anyway.

But in truth, she's about to turn eighteen.

Some disorder keeps her looking like a kid…

It's things like this that screw me up sometimes, because disorder or not,

She's only eighteen.

Still a kid.

* * *

Why does it always seem like the stranger cases come in,

Right when I'm having issues with my own kids?

I'd ask Fin this, but I don't think he knows,

And I know I sure as hell don't, if he were to ask me.

So we run this case the way we would any other,

Because somewhere along the line,

It became how we cope with things…somewhat.

* * *

And then Kathy shows up and the whole thing gets shot to hell, because

I can't concentrate, and it's her fault, too…

Why the hell did she have to come around asking why I haven't signed the damn papers?

Sure, I've had 'em for a while, but…

I suppose if she's asking, it means she really wants this to go through,

And I know the pens at home aren't out of ink, but I can't make myself pick one up.

So I tell her I don't know, and thankfully…she takes it as an answer.

* * *

But it's a stupid one.

Even by my standards, where 'I don't know' qualifies as a good answer,

It's a stupid one, and I know she was looking for more, but

I don't know what to tell her. I didn't sign because I don't want to let go,

Because I don't want to admit that this is falling apart, that we're falling apart…

And because when I fall asleep at night, I'm always thinking about her.

I wonder why I couldn't just say that.


	41. The Way Things Are

I think this world's advancing too quickly,

Which is funny, because I thought the same thing last year,

And the year before that.

The sad thing about it is that I had to get a new phone,

And my kids had to help me stick numbers in there,

Because apparently, I'm clueless, and it doesn't really matter, because

When they're with me, they're usually the ones on it.

* * *

I'd laugh about it, but

I have other things to worry about, such as

This new cop sent over from Warrants, who's supposed to be my temp,

And is kind of irritating me, because

She just sent us after the wrong guy,

Just because she was convinced it could be him.

Looks like I'm not the hothead anymore.

* * *

Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, because

This is one of those.

Some lawyer who thinks he can get away with murder, or in this case…

Something worse.

Funny how these things start early, but…No one catches them.

Either because their victims are afraid to come forward, or they're thinking

That boys will be boys.

* * *

Yeah, sure.

I can see how that works, but not like this.

Not when they're hurting people who don't deserve it, just because they can.

Goes physically, as well as emotionally, I realize,

And when it hits me, I think that maybe, that's exactly what I've been doing.

Without knowing, or without wanting to acknowledge it.

In any case, I still haven't signed the papers.

* * *

They're sitting there on the kitchen table in my apartment.

I'd have left 'em behind, if I'd had the nerve.

But I didn't. Can't even seem to tell her why I haven't signed,

Which is ridiculous, because I know exactly why.

Don't want to let her go,

But she wants to be let go, and

That's kind of the problem.


	42. Thinking too Hard,Again

Sometimes I think this temp of mine is in

Too much of a hurry for her own good, 'cause it seems like

She knows what she's doing, but then, she doesn't, and all it does is

Screw things up even further.

She jumps to conclusions a lot, I think.

Not like Liv.

I've gotta stop comparing them.

* * *

This latest guy we've brought in…

Well, he's Munch's uncle, for starters, and

I'm not exactly sure how to apologize for that one, 'cause

All Beck and I were doing was our job, and

How were we supposed to know about that, anyway?

He never said anything. We didn't ask.

Don't ask, don't tell. The motto of the Special Victims Unit.

* * *

I'd love to know exactly how the hell people think that works.

Like bottling it all in is going to help.

Yeah, and I have room to talk, because hey, I'm the one that talks to everyone.

My eye.

Been holding it in so long that it feels like I can't.  
Especially now that Liv's not here. And Munch and Fin, well, they're great, but…

They haven't had to put up with me for more than a day at a time.

* * *

We end up talking, anyway, Munch and I,

Because he doesn't want to talk to Fin about this,

And I don't want to put up with Beck,

So we leave, and go to the normal place, knowing that

Fin's probably going to find us anyway, 'cause he doesn't like Beck, either.

We've closed our case, but at what cost, Munch asks, and I know

He's not talking to me, but to himself.

* * *

And once again, I'm reminded that I'm not the only one with issues.

What does that say about me?

That I'm a selfish bastard (probably) who doesn't know how to

Deal with the world and everyone in it because I'm (definitely)

Too wrapped up in myself?

Wonder what Liv would have to say.

But then, she'd probably laugh and tell me I'm thinking too hard.


	43. Can't Imagine

I end up dragging Beck for a drink,

Even though she's being stubborn,

Because she's been kind of on edge lately, and

It seemed to go away after we left the prison,

And I don't know why…

She was so determined to go up there,

Even though she knew it was gonna hurt.

* * *

She doesn't say anything to me,

And I don't say anything to her, and it

Feels like forever before

One of us speaks.

And when she does, she sounds like

She's going to cry, and

I feel like a jerk for hoping that she doesn't.

* * *

After a minute,

She sounds more like herself,

Or at least herself as I've gotten to know her,

If that makes any sense at all.

She tells me that it hurt like hell,

When two other cops showed up to tell her,

That hey, her husband had been murdered, and would she mind coming to the station?

* * *

I know it wasn't like that,

Know that the department tries to be as sensitive about it as possible,

But sometimes it doesn't work.

And when you're a fellow cop hearing that

The one you married, the one you love, who's also a cop,  
Was shot up on the streets, it's bound to make you wonder.

To make you want something you can't have…some kind of revenge.

* * *

I've never had to go through that.

And I think…I might just understand why she is the way she is.

Can't be easy to know that the ones you wish were gone

Are sitting there in prison, alive, where they'll be until they are gone,

Because they're alive, you see, and the one who had your heart, well,

They're not.

It hurts like hell, she says, and I nod, because I believe her.


	44. Home Again

Casey knows something,

But she isn't telling.

Suppose it's one of those lawyer things, but

She's been looking for Olivia lately, and

I think it might have something to do with that.

But I don't dare ask her, 'cause

I'm almost afraid to hear the answer.

* * *

The call comes unexpectedly,

While I'm out of the squad room,

And the next thing I know,

Fin's shoving the phone at me,

But there's no one on the other side of the line,

And I know it was her,

Because whoever it was, they wouldn't have hung up if it wasn't.

* * *

Hurts, knowing she'd do that.

Just because she doesn't want to talk to me.

But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

There's gotta be something else.

She's out with the Feds, after all.

Maybe one of them noticed her calling, and figured it out.

I don't know.

* * *

What I do know, however,

Is that this whole undercover thing,

It needs to go somewhere,

And she needs to come back,  
Because Beck's starting to get on my nerves again,

And I like her well enough,

But she's still not Liv.

* * *

Wish Casey would talk.

Sure, she's talking, in the sense of having conversations,

But her case just went to trial, and she's happy,

And before she was pissed, because she couldn't find Liv,

So something had to have changed, otherwise, she'd still be pissed,

But she's not, and all I want to know, all I want to hear is that my partner's home again.


	45. Rules of the Precinct

Can't get too involved.

Don't get to pick the vic.

You get personal, you get pulled…most of the time.

You lose your temper, you get put on leave.

Refuse a psych evaluation, you get stuck on a desk.

The rules of the Special Victims Unit,

In a nutshell.

* * *

It's hard not to get personal.

Most of the time we do get too involved.

But we still don't get to pick our vics.

I told Liv that once when we became partners,

And she listened.  
Beck, on the other hand, well…the lines are harder for her to define.

It was that way for me too, when I first started out.

* * *

Guess that's how we ended up in that bar,

And why Casey took off with us, though,

Come to think of it, I've seen her around with that ADA before.

But leaving me alone with Beck wasn't a good idea, because

Apparently, after a few drinks, I'm more of an idiot than I thought,

And so we ended up kissing by my car,

Which is stupid, because it's like we were in high school again.

* * *

Then again, if we were in high school,

I wouldn't have been with her.

I'd have been with someone else, with Kathy,

And honestly, she's the one I want to be with,  
No one else.

Not Beck, and definitely not Liv.

She'd probably laugh if she could hear me.

* * *

The phone rings,

And it's mine, and it distracts us (thank heaven)

Because I don't think I'd like

What would happen if it had gone any further.

Stupid things happen when people get drunk,

And that was one of them, and…

If it's my way of trying to get back on track, there's something wrong with me.


	46. Homecoming

Can't ask her to stay…

And it's probably because I really don't want her to.

Wait a minute.

What am I saying?

Of course I don't want her to.

I've been waiting this whole damn time for Liv to come back

And now, there's a chance for it to happen.

* * *

You need to stay for yourself, I say to Beck,

Not for me.

And so she goes, and it turns out,

Casey's been hiding Liv's return all along,

And so has Cragen.

I'd be pissed if I wasn't relieved that she's back,

And that she's safe.

* * *

When she shows up at the usual place,

It's me and Munch and Fin, like it's been

Ever since she left,

And she laughs when she sees it, and asks in that half-joking tone of hers,

If 'her boys' have managed to grow up while she was gone.

None of us answer.

It's probably because we haven't.

* * *

It's funny, though, 'cause

She's never said anything like that before, and

All it does is tell me that maybe we are closer than we thought.

The squad, that is. All four of us.

Not just me and Liv.

Though, admittedly, it probably works that way, too.

But neither of us have ever thought about it that way.

* * *

Later on, when it's just the two of us,

We wander around Manhattan, 'cause

I don't want to go to my apartment, and

She doesn't want to go to hers, either, so

We talk.

And she's changed, and so have I, and I

Tell her I still haven't signed the papers, and she doesn't ask me why.


	47. Eight Years as Partners

She didn't like working alone, she tells me.

And I ask her if she's just saying that.

But she says no.

So I take her word for it,  
Even though things before she left weren't exactly

What the department would call perfect.

They weren't what I'd call perfect, either.

* * *

I call the victim 'Dani', 'cause it's short for 'Danielle'

And it gets on her nerves,

But when I ask her if there's something wrong,

She tells me no, again.

I know she's lying.

And I'd poke and call her jealous, if I didn't think she'd hit me for it.

Right now, what we need is to get back on track.

* * *

And this damned case isn't helping.

Infidelity, spying, murder…

Isn't this what movies are supposed to be made of?

I mean, damn, people.

This isn't what life is supposed to be like,

But then again, maybe that's just me.

Never was one for change.

* * *

Not one to have a chip inserted into me, either.

What the hell is that, anyway?

Like I don't know where I'm going, and in any case,

If someone wants to keep tabs on me,

Call the damn cell phone, for heaven's sake.  
It's not that hard.

But apparently for some people, it is.

* * *

Eight years as partners, and I don't know your blood type, says Liv.

So I tell her. And it turns out that mine is the same as hers.

I'd give you a kidney, I say.

And she smirks at me, and says,

Not if I gave you mine first.

And then the elevators close, and as soon as they do, we laugh,

Because no one can see us.


	48. Reflections on this Life

I wonder what it's like,

To try and put off death…and to fight, for that one last moment

With someone you love,

Only to have them insisting that they never want to see you again,

So you have to spend those moments with strangers,

And the one you were wanting…

Well, they only come when you're already gone.

* * *

Huang says there's a story about this sort of thing,

A woman who told stories, to keep from being executed in the morning.

And it fits here, because, that's what Tierney did, but…

Some secrets were made to be kept forever.

His daughter knows, though, and

I don't know if she still holds a grudge,

But if she does…maybe she should let it go.

* * *

Holding stuff like that inside…

It never really did anyone any good.

I'd know.

I've done it before, and it's led to a lot more than I care to think about.

Actually, I should care.

But idiot me doesn't want to,

And so I don't.

* * *

Probably should.

All this case has really done is make me wonder

If I'm going to end up the same way with my kids,

With them not coming around,

Just because they think I'm an idiot and they don't want to.

And sure they think I'm an idiot,

But that's just because they're at that age.

* * *

Or so I'd like to think.

Don't really know.

Saw them at the twins' confirmation, but

We didn't really get to talk.

I think Kathleen's mad at me again, even if Maureen's not.

And the twins aren't, either….

…Think I'll call them later.


	49. Our Study on Regret

When I get to the apartment later on,

All I can see is those images,

Those ones that were on the screens at the precinct,

Of that woman, Valerie Sennett, going through the streets,

In flames.

Scares me, in more than one way.

How can people do that to each other?

* * *

Suppose when you get to the point

Where love turns into absolute hatred,

Anything can happen.

I think that's what scares me.

The papers are still sitting on the table.

And this time, when I see them,

I reach for a pen.

* * *

And when I sign them, it feels like

There's some kind of weight that's been lifted.

The text message from Liv comes while I'm staring at the ceiling.

Meet me downstairs, she says,

And so I do, because there's nothing better to do.

There's a flower in her cup.

She tells me it's tea.

* * *

Valerie died a little while before she came, she informs me.

And I tell her that I signed the papers.

Didn't want Kathy to regret me, is how I put it when she pushed for something more.

Wonder if we'll end up in one of our little 'studies' on something

That bothers us, something we want answers to.

Probably.

Wouldn't be all that surprised if we did.

* * *

And we do.

She asks if I want to grab something to eat, and I say yeah,

And I ask who's paying, and she goes,

Well, I guess since you've got four kids,

And you're going through a divorce…you are.

I laugh.

That's what I thought.


	50. Figuring Things Out

You know, back in the day, in earlier years,

It bothered the hell out of me when my kids knew what was going on

Not in general, because they know anyway,

But with my work, specifically.

It still does, but…

I guess kids are a lot better at figuring stuff out than we are,

And before we know it, they're involved.

* * *

That's how it works now, Fin remarks,

When he closes the case with kid from Brooklyn whose name I don't know.

They know, and therefore, they can help.

In a limited capacity, I say, and am reminded of a case from a while ago

Where we wouldn't have figured anything out

If my son didn't seem to be, back then,

Glued to the video games.

* * *

True, says Fin, but it doesn't change the fact that they help.

And he's right. It doesn't.

I know he's only thinking about this 'cause his son was the one to come to the squad,

But hell, I'd be thinking about it, too, if it had been one of mine.

So we sit there for a minute,

In silence, because, hey, the case is closed,

But it still doesn't seem like enough.

* * *

You can try to protect them all you want, says Fin,

But in the end, something usually ends up happening.

If you watch them forever, I reply, they usually try to get away.

He nods, in agreement.

Yeah, he says. Kinda like this girl. What she wanted was her independence,

And what she got was hurt.

I wonder why it always seems to work that way.

* * *

Munch and Liv end up joining us, 'cause

We went to the usual place.

Seems like we've been doing a lot of it lately,

And it's great because it feels like things have finally stopped moving,

Even though they haven't.

And of course, it takes something like this for us to realize,

That maybe the kids aren't invincible, either.


	51. A Cause of Her Own

Liv's on the warpath again.

I can tell, 'cause she's got that look,

The one that tells me I'd better shove that hothead act

Right to the back burner,

'Cause this time, it's her turn to play the role.

I'd laugh,

But I've learned better than to do that by now.

* * *

Besides, I can see where she's coming from.

It's another one of the screwed up cases…

Or it was for her, anyway, 'cause

I ended up out of commission,

After being thrown through a window by some guy.

Not really supposed to be in the squad room,

But I'm there anyway.

* * *

It's midnight, says Liv.

Didn't want Cragen to see me, I reply.

And she says she knows the feeling, and

I know exactly why, because

It seems like it's been that way a lot lately,

Because there's been a lot of stuff going around,

Especially about the two of us.

* * *

The funny part is that none of it's true.

I know what the precinct would like to think,

And she knows it too,

But we both know the truth of the matter,

And that's really all we need to know.

She got stuck in the hospital because of someone's idiocy,

And that's part of why she's doing this, but the real reason is the kids.

* * *

The way she's going, though…

Almost scares me.

Don't want her to get in trouble,

And I'm hoping she gets her way, because, hell,

She deserves it.

Hope she can prove what she's looking to prove,

So maybe this won't happen again.


	52. Time to Think

Figures that one of these days,

Something like this would happen, and…

The funny part about it is that I didn't really do anything,

Yet everyone seems to think I have.

Like I knew what was going to happen.

I know better than to deliberately hurt someone,

Even if it doesn't always seem that way.

* * *

Sitting in an empty apartment doesn't do any good.

Liv's pissed at Melinda, and Melinda's pissed at her,

'Cause apparently, they have differing opinions, and…

I can't exactly blame Melinda, because, hey,

The forensics say what they do.

Not like she has a choice but to believe what it is

That it says to her.

* * *

Of course, her showing up doesn't exactly help.

But somehow, things get figured out.

This changes everything, she says,

And suddenly, I'm no longer facing indictment, and

I can come back to work, and it's a relief, but at the same time…

It's almost not.

And I have no idea why.

* * *

Actually, I do, and, ironically,

It's exactly why I'm sitting here…

Standing, really, and waiting,

For someone to answer the door,

And when someone does, it's her, and

For a moment, I'm at a loss as to what to say,

But then I'm not.

* * *

…rough couple of days…time to think of what's important,

Which I should've been doing anyway, but there you have it.

Love my job, and my family…

Nearly lost them both.

She doesn't interrupt, which is good, 'cause I

Think I'd lose my nerve before I could finish

And tell her that I want to come home.


	53. Family Ties

All cases like this one do

Is reaffirm my convictions that some people really shouldn't be parents.

And who the hell does Marino she is, anyway,

Pushing someone like that?  
Sometimes I really hate the press, 'cause it seems like

All they ever do is make things worse,

Because it's rarely that they really give a damn.

* * *

And of course, the press surrounding this one

Makes it that much harder to find who we're looking for,

But when we do,

I'm wondering if it was such a good idea, 'cause

It really doesn't seem like this guy cares one way or the other

What happens to this kid.

And he should, damn it. The kid's his, after all.

* * *

Got a record, though.

Think that might be what bothers me.

And then the next thing I know,

Casey and I are both getting served, but…

It's useless for this guy to try and fight us.

We haven't done anything wrong.

At least, not as far as he's concerned.

* * *

The whole thing's over and done with a lot faster than I thought it would be,

And Liv's standing in the squad room, looking at something.

Wonder if it has anything to do with the case,

But she says no,

It's different, and

She looks like there's something wrong,

And when I ask, she tells me there's nothing wrong.

* * *

But apparently, she's gone and used that DNA testing or

Whatever it was that we did, that Warner told us about,

To see if she had any family around,

And she found someone.

A sibling.

I wonder what this'll do, but

I'm almost afraid to ask.


	54. More than What We Are

…starting to wonder why we have to do this.

Every single time someone starts talking,

We get hauled in,

And I'd love to know what the hell is up with that.

Huang's disappeared again,

Presumably to do some work for the Feds, since that's technically what he is.

So we're dealing with Hendrix.

* * *

Wouldn't be so annoying if I didn't already know

That she's one of Liv's friends, one of mine,

And yet she's sitting here,

Asking me these questions about Liv, and

I'm annoyed with it, so

I give the answers I would, anyway.

That she's a good cop, and that when it's over, she goes home.

* * *

The truth however,

Is that the four of us, her and me, Munch and Fin…

We usually end up talking,

Sitting at a table across from each other,

But they don't need to know that.

They're not trying to figure out the squad.

Only me and Liv.

* * *

I hate this sometimes.

Hendrix tells the captain we're too close,

He'll split us up,

And it's a pain in the ass, 'cause

They all know damn well that it's always been the two of us.

They can't.

But they can, and I know it, and it scares me.

* * *

Don't know why.

But this latest stuff with Liv, and her brother, well…

It's causing more trouble than it should.

And I know they're asking Liv about me, but she'll say what I do,

Because it's the truth.

And I'd love to know

Why everyone always seems to think we're more than what we are?


	55. If People Were to Listen

Life is...

Well, I'm not altogether too sure.

But faith has a lot to do with this one,

And it drives me up the wall sometimes that people

Think they can get away with anything,

Just by blaming it on faith.

What is that, anyway?

* * *

Yet another case of people having issues with other people,

But this time…

It's their own kid.

And they don't even know it.

Why is it that nowadays, it always seems like  
Parents never know what's going on,

And the siblings know everything?

* * *

Guess it's just easier to talk to

Someone who's closer to your own age, and

Even though your parents want to know

It's hard to tell them.

Why am I thinking about this?

Should be focusing on the case, but…

This part of me wants to focus on something else.

* * *

And once again,

Life is more complicated than it should be.

Why is it that these things always pop up

When we least expect them?

A shooting, a confession, an arrest…

Things are never this easy.

I've been here long enough to know that.

* * *

Maybe if people listened more…

Ha.

Like I have any room to talk about listening.

But still…

If they did, then,

Maybe things like this wouldn't happen,

And we wouldn't have to see things like this.


	56. No Statute of Limitations

…should've done it when it happened,

But I didn't, 'cause back then,

There were issues I had to work out with myself,

And besides that,

Kathleen telling me she was afraid of what I was gonna do, well…

That didn't exactly help.

But there's no statute of limitations on being a bad parent.

* * *

That much, I've seen over and over again.

You think the things you do stop having an effect after a while,

But they don't.

Like this one.

How the hell are people gonna sit there and watch these kids drink,

When they know they're underage?

Some lessons don't need to be learned the hard way.

* * *

But some lessons are, anyway.

Like this one.

Can't believe I walked into that service and said what I did, but

Those kids needed to hear it from someone, and

If they weren't going to hear it from their own parents,

They might as well hear it from me.

Half expected Liv to say something about it, but…she didn't.

* * *

'Least she agrees with me.

And sitting across from my own daughter then, well…

She's about to hit nineteen, and it's almost been two years,

Better now than never, even if she doesn't exactly look

All that happy about it, but that's her problem,

Not mine.

All I want is to keep her safe.

* * *

And if this is the only way to do it, then so be it.

She asks me why I did that, and

I look back at her for a long moment, realizing suddenly

Exactly how much she's grown up.

She's not a baby anymore, in the physical sense,

But she's still mine, and after a minute, I tell her, about this case,

And when she looks at me again, I know she gets it.


	57. Everything

Poster boy for rage.

That's a good one, considering that she's the one who

Just kicked the hell out of someone.

She's giving me that look again,

The one that says I better let the hothead act disappear,

Before she comes after me, too.

I doubt she would, but right now, I don't want to risk it.

* * *

The only reason she's really snarking at me is because

She knows I'm right, and she doesn't want to admit it.

And it bothers the hell out of me,

Because I don't want to be right about this.

I sound like a hypocrite, and I know it,

But she's the one skating towards some kind of lawsuit,

Not me.

* * *

Not to say that I haven't before,

Because I know I have.

And I know she wants answers, and

Doesn't want to believe that her brother is what this other cop thinks he is.

I'd ask her if this is really the way to go about it,

If I didn't think she'd have something more to say,

And I don't want her to take off on me again.

* * *

So I leave it alone,

And somehow Porter gets involved,

Probably just because he can, but

He turns out to be more of a help than a hindrance.

Still don't like the guy, though.

But if working with him means we'll get to the bottom of this,

Then I'll put up with him.

* * *

It's not exactly like I had a choice, I think,

When the case is over, and Liv takes off,

Because she doesn't want to deal with me, or anyone else, and

It's just one of those things.

And we've all learned to back off about it, 'cause there's nothing we can do.

Family is everything, she said, earlier, parroting one of my comments.

And she's right. It is.


	58. Some Kind of Absolution

Hands, touching…

Feels like the world's melting away,

And it's only her and me,

Like it used to be, and

I shouldn't be thinking about it now,

Because it feels right, and damn it,

This is where I should be.

* * *

Her hand finds mine in the darkness.

Didn't really notice when she switched the lights off, but

It doesn't matter.

Don't need to see her in order to know she's there,

And she is, and

For once,

I don't have to close my eyes.

* * *

There's some kind of quiet desperation in this,

And I wonder if she notices, 'cause

I sure as hell do, and it's like I'm looking for something,  
But I don't know what I'm looking for…

Some kind of absolution, maybe…

And her name comes from somewhere inside me,

Before I can stop it.

* * *

Don't really want to.

Her hands are on my face, for split seconds,

And then her arms around me, and she's

Looking right at me, and I can't seem to look away,

And I don't want to, either…

Don't want to let go, for fear of what'll happen if I do…

And I don't want to fall.

* * *

Maybe I won't…not this time, anyway.

And after a little while, she falls asleep beside me,

Her head on my shoulder,

But I can't seem to close my eyes.

It's warm here…warmer than it's been in a long time, and

I wouldn't have stayed if she didn't want me to, but she did.

Can't help but wonder what it's supposed to mean.


	59. Missing Too Much

There are other ways to go about life,

Other than pretending to be someone you're not,

Someone younger.

If you're almost thirty and you're walking around like you're sixteen,

There's a problem.

Even if you don't want to admit it,

There is one.

* * *

And how one thing can go to such extremes, well,

Those kids…I'd like to think they knew better, but

Maybe they didn't.

Hard to believe, though.

To think best friends could get to that point,

But it's not like I haven't seen it before,

And it's not like I won't see it again.

* * *

But for now,

All I want is to go home, and

Seeing as I have a chance, I'm going to take it.

Don't know what I'm going to end up doing, though.

Guess I'll have to play it by ear, but then,

I've been getting awfully good at that lately.

Or maybe it's just me.

* * *

…and apparently, I now suck at card games.

The kids can all beat me,

And they know it, which is the only reason why we play, and

Since when did Elizabeth start calling her brother 'Richard' anyway?  
I've missed out on way too much, and the sad thing

Is that I know I can't blame it on anyone else,

Other than myself, that is.

* * *

Didn't need to think about that one.

Still don't, as a matter of fact.

But laughter is always the best medicine, and

I lose another round, because I'm not paying attention

And trying to play it off like

I'm letting them win?

Doesn't work anymore.


	60. All Comes Crashing Down

Last time I heard that line,

It was 1992, and the middle of the summer, and

I was finishing the first year in SVU.

And then, seven months later, 'cause they came early,

The twins were there.

They're almost fifteen now. Just turned fourteen in February.

And suddenly I'm hearing it again.

* * *

…way to throw me for a loop.

Didn't know you moved home, says Liv, and I look at her.

I didn't. Pathetic, I say, and wonder if maybe,

There was some truth to what Kathleen told me

When she found me in the kitchen at two in the morning.

The thought that there might be…

Well, it doesn't settle all that well.

* * *

Don't want to think about it.

But this is one of those things I can't avoid, and

It's been so damn long that

I'm not sure I can do this again.

Not with everything falling apart as it is, now.

And yet again, it feels like there's nothing I can do,

Probably because this time, there isn't.

* * *

Next thing I know, it ends,

And I'm wishing the neighbors would go the hell away, 'cause

They don't need to see this,

Don't need to know what's going on, and  
I'm watching my daughter, my baby, being arrested, and

She's looking at me, like I can do something, but this time I'm helpless,

And I hate it.

* * *

Can't sleep when the time comes to do so.

Still in that apartment in Manhattan, 'cause

Decisions haven't been made, and

Now they need to be.

And Liv's in front of IAD, and Fin's got his issues, and

No one bothered to go after Munch, 'cause anything he did is long gone by.

Wonder what'll happen when we're back at work again.


End file.
